Reasons Why the Catman Should Never Wear A Badge: #139

It's late May, and that means that colleges across the country are preparing for graduation. For many, it's a time of mixed emotions. For all, it's a time of mixed drinks. This morning I received an e-mail from a friend (and fellow alumnus) about a party at our alma mater that got a little out of hand.

According to the student quoted in the article, when the police arrived, they "were abusive to students, pulling hair and pepper spraying even nonviolent bystanders." (There are unconfirmed rumors of pinching and tickling.) By the end, the article reports, "a number of students, bruised and bloodied, were also being loaded into ambulances. Others roaming the street were shirtless and barefoot." In conclusion, the student remarked, "it was barbaric."

Although, when asked what was barbaric, neither the student nor the reporter could remember if they had been talking about the party or Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome, which had been playing on TV earlier that night.

In any event, I passed this news item along to the Catman, who responded in typical fashion:

Catman: haha a bunch of upper middle class white kids at a presitigious liberal arts college, must have been pretty scary.
Catman: "whatever dude, we're gonna wear our birkenstocks and listen to our music and those pigs can't stop us, someone get out the frisbees!"
Catman: i would have just started shooting

Catman Regales J with Tales of his Nightly Din

(Photo: J and the Catman drink mimosas and share a chicken wing during better times.)

Given Friday's post indicating that J and the Catman less than amicably parted ways, a number of people have been wondering if YDG is closing it's doors. It couldn't be farther from the truth. Things are better than ever at YDG, it's just a slow week for Cat news. Consider the following:

Catman: got two cranberry stuffing chicken breasts from tjeezys
Catman: was pretty good
J: What was?

The only way to beat the Catman is to play ball with him. Ten minutes passed.

Catman: you hear what i said about that chicken i got?
J: nah
Catman: cranberry stuffing chicken breast
Catman: from tjeezy
J: ?
Catman: got a couple of those
Catman: had one last night
Catman: not bad
Catman: switching it up
Catman: had some weird basmati rice pilaf type thing too
Catman: good right?
J: what is?
Catman: that din
Catman: switching it up
Catman: having something diff
J: I missed it I think
Catman: also got some of that bbq chicken stuff


A lot of people have asked why there weren't any posts yesterday, I don't think they'll be asking that question anymore.

J. and the Person Formerly Known as Catman Sell Out, Person Formerly Known as Catman Resigns

Things were going to happen differently. This blog post was going to start with us saying, "when the Catman trims his whiskers, he uses bathroom vanities bought from www.justvanities.com”. J and the Person formerly known as Catman were going to remain groodbuds until the end of time. Money changes all that though.

We'd gotten off to a good start this morning. I'd come up with the worst adult film title of all time (Rumpled Foreskin), and the Person formerly known as Catman had made a very good, although intensely graphic, joke about the Gap. Then, out of the blue, we received an e-mail from a company that wanted to run its advertisements with us (we won't say who), and it changed everything. The Person formerly known as Catman started sticking his nose where it didn't belong, asking all kinds of questions about who gets what. When I went Zuckerberg on his ass, he started getting sentimental, saying things like "fifty-fifty split" and "partnership." In the end, this happened:  


Person formerly known as Catman: you take the money. i quit.

Person formerly known as Catman: we'll see how far you get

J: can we still talk though, as friends?

Person formerly known as Catman: nah

Person formerly known as Catman: i quit the budship

Person formerly known as Catman: you've f'ed me for the last time

J: k
Person formerly known as Catman: from now on i withdraw priveleges to use the name catman, use any picture of catman, talk about what catman does during the day, use anything catman said
Person formerly known as Catman: we'll see how interesting the blog is
Person formerly known as Catman: you've just f'ed yourself
J: k

Honestly, I don't know what to make of it. My brain tells me he'll be back, but my heart says he's gone forever.  Who cares though, for twenty bucks I can buy an entire litter of kittens.

If I Could Offer You One Tip for the Future

Summer is starting, and with it comes longer days and more sunlight. While this is definitely a good thing, it pays to be mindful. Unless precautions are taken, prolonged exposure to sunlight increases one's chances of developing skin cancer later in life.

When the weather permits at Groodbud & Groodbud, we'll often eat our munches outside. Today, it was 80 degrees and there wasn't a single cloud in the sky. As we sat eating, I noticed the sun had caused the Catman's usual alabaster skin to take on a pinkish hue. Using a napkin, I dabbed a bead of sweat from my head and tried to think of how to help - when it hit me.

I unfolded the paper napkin and placed it lightly on his head as a kind of makeshift sun bonnet. For a moment, it appeared to work. The napkin absorbed the harmful UV rays and shaded his brow. Hoping he'd be happy with my invention, I smiled at him. This was when I noticed he didn't share my, or my fellow co-workers', enthusiasm. He then told me he'd give me something to smile about and, surprisingly, when I asked if it was a funny joke or a nice picture of his family, he only became more enraged.

Confused by the whole ordeal, I asked him point-blank:

J: you didn't like your little sun bonnet?

Catman: nah

J: I was worried you would get burnt

Catman: about to get a paw to the peep

Then things took a turn for the nonsensical:

Catman: the wrath of the paw

J: Is that the name of your new screenplay?

Catman: yea

J: what's the premise?

The catman battling the sun?

Catman: yea and everyone else. Catman wins.

A Method to his Catness?

It was a quiet day in Catland for most of our readers today. Little do they know about the relentless barrage of idiocy that I received from our little cat-friend. Most of which isn't fit to print. First of all there was this.

Out of the blue (1:40 PM):

Catman: lightjaber

J: you're grasping for straws now

Catman: grasping for paws

There was a pause (pun not intended), and then the Catman offered a business idea (1:41 PM):

Catman: should develop a climbing tool called the grappling paw (TM)

A strong wind passed by the window (2:51 PM):

Catman: the wind is coming up strong now

Catman: hold onto my paw

Catman: GRAB A HOLD OF MY PAW

Catman: QUICKLY

Catman: GRAB HOLD!

I attempted to summarize my feelings, and he offered me reassurance (4:34 PM):

J: talking to you somedays is like wandering around a ward of head trauma patients

J: and just listening to snippets of their conversations

Catman: nah

Catman: is a pattern

Catman: that you don't know about

J: to the madness?

Catman: the catness

Rest assured readers, there is a method to his catness.

Catman in Today, Just Quiet

This morning, all was quiet on the Catman front. There was no talk of din. No mention of the gym. Or of Trader Joes. Or the possibility of fitting into a new pair of jeans. Fearing the worst (that he'd slipped in between the radiator and the wall and fallen asleep again), and in hopes of annoying him, I sent him an IM:

J: d

Catman: ?

J: you in today?

Catman: yea why

J: just curious

J: seems like you might be "away"

Catman: hmm

Catman: nah am here

J: cool - just checking

J: Sometimes it looks like you are here, but you are actually "away"

Catman: you think it might be fun to turd on me?

J: what does that mean?

Catman: here's something for you

Catman: go jump in front of a truck

J: stationary or moving?

Catman: sometimes it looks like you are here but it turns out you are actually "annoying"

With the desired outcome reached, he was soon back to his old ways:

Catman: funny thing is i have to go to the gym today

Although, the world may never know exactly why that's a "funny thing," or earlier why he asked if it might be fun to turd on him.

The Scratching Post: Introducing Cat3PO

When I took on the Cat3PO Project, it was a seemingly impossible mission... a mission that became an incredible journey. Now, seven years later, I have created the perfect cat-robot hybrid. Half cat, half erector set, it is capable of walking around on linoleum floors and looking like it just got out of the bath. It is prophesied that in time, Cat3PO will become quite powerful and use his robot strength to strike down J in the name of the Catman, thus stealing his power (his ability to only drink freshly squeezed lemonade when all the rest of his buds are drinking beers). For, as it is written, a single Bud shall remain in the end... a Bud who will not bring down his other buds when they are trying to have fun... a Bud whose pants are not too short for his puny little legs... a Bud who would rather have cake than a fruit tart...

And so, in the name of the Catman, rise Cat3PO!! RISE!!!

Re: the End of YDG?

Sage words from anonymous (or is it actually anonymouse?):

"Whoever befriends Catman should see to it that in the process he does not become a Catman."

Sage words indeed.

The End of YDG?

There is little doubt that the Catman is a fascinating individual. His unique point of view, tinged with an unhealthy but comedic combination of banality, sorrow, self-loathing and self-absorption, has kept YDG's thirty-or-so readers entertained for weeks now. However, when din has finally been prepared, and the Catman lies at rest, safely removed of the relentless fatigue that will greet him in the morning; when he's finally learned that he's capable of loving himself (not like that, although sometimes like that) and that he can be loved - what is left?

Over the past few months, we've stared into the soul of this great cat-beast and been moved by the images we've seen - for in the end, the reflection we see is only of ourselves.

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne ceaselessly into the past.

(Alternatively, keep YDG alive by making a small donation!)

The Scratching Post: Catrockets In Flight

This morning, as I was licking myself clean, I noticed JJVH buzzing by my window. He was having a grand time, so I decided to fire off a few catrockets to blast him out of the sky:

JJVH: Catman
Catman: I'VE GOT GOOD TONE
CAT 2!
JJVH: ?
Catman: just blew you out of the sky with a catrocket

J.'s Proposition to the Catman

The Catman asked me to look into something this morning. Because the world doesn't start and stop when he demands, that didn't happen. An hour later he sent me even more messages about it - this time he was even more annoying, so I pretended that I didn't know what he was talking about.

Catman: what's the deal with _____?

J: what you mean?

Catman: How about ______?

J: ?

Catman: you serious?

J: what are you talking about?

Catman: come on man

--

I know this upset him, and that, in turn, saddened me (the old J. and the Catman emotional cycle of fear, anger, guilt, and sorrow). So we made a deal to ensure that both of us would be happy.

J: I will look into your isht after munch if that is ok?

Catman: k

J: but you must do something for me in return

J: As you know my Nan is in town this weekend, and I will be away on business. She needs to be picked up at the airport and chauffeured around. She's a woman of taste, so bring her a box of Crumpets.

Catman: k

--

So if you see a little cat fella with a white bow-tie driving around an elegant British woman in a blue mustang this weekend, don't be afraid to tip your cap, that's just J.'s Nan and the Catman.

The Scratching Post: Catman Not Dead, J Soon to Be

J, if you think you're pretty clever with that last bit, you can think again, ok pal? Some of us have work to do. We're not all just trolling around the halls trying to get pieces of people's sandwiches. "Oh oh, excuse me, can I try a piece of that because I'm too stingy to buy my own?" Well here's a flash for you, my man: you're bullshit. If I see you around here I'm going to wallop your weaselly little face into another dimension, such that your head and body stay here but where your face used to be is now just smooth. Your body's going to be freaking trying to figure out what just happened, and your face is going to be floating around in another dimension somewhere just freaking. Ok pal?

Catman Hit by Car, Killed

This isn't easy to report. Earlier this morning on our weekly Starbucks trip, the Catman, high on an iced latte, broke free of his leash and ran directly into two lanes of oncoming traffic. He was struck a number of times (the specific number doesn't matter) and dragged about a hundred meters. I found his lifeless body sprawled out face up on a table cloth with a blue flower design, peacefully at rest until the end of time (see photo). I'd call it a freak accident, but I think that goes without saying.

--

Editor's note: There was quite a bit of debate at YDG.blogspot.com about whether or not to run this piece - particularly, the final line. I, J. Groodbud, was in favor, while the Catman thought it was too morbid. We don't always pull up the curtain to reveal the inner workings of YDG, but in the name of transparency I thought we'd make an exception this time:

J: I really like the piece on the Catman getting hit by a car

J: It got me laughing

J: and will startle our audience

Catman: haha

Catman: because you would like to see that happen

J: I wouldn't like to see it

J: but I wouldn't mind hearing about it

In the end, because the Catman hasn't contributed anything to the blog for over a day, I won out. Enjoy.

The Catman's Vision

Since the release of the YDG Facebook Page yesterday, readership is up 525 percent. While the internet works furiously to develop a vaccine to prevent J and the Catman from going viral, the numbers got us doing some prophesying:

J: What do you think is going to be bigger in 10 years: YDG or the internet?

Catman: hmm... i can definitely see YDG being fatter

The Declaration of Dindependence

About a year and a half ago, the Catman, having exhausted all other forms of monotony, turned his attention to his nightly dinner (what he refers to as his "din", a meal on which he "sups"). On a daily basis, he would pepper everyone who stumbled into his lair with the question, "What should I have for din tonight?"

A seemingly harmless question, it was entirely impossible to answer because 1) there was no way of knowing what he had in his cupboards, and 2) the answer was always chicken and either pasta or potatoes on the side. Still, two or three times a day for a period of several months, he would ask, "What should I have for din tonight?" (or the variation, "What you thinking for a din tonight?" as a kind of segue for him to talk about his din). After a month of this, I told him that it really annoyed me when he asked me that. Then I would ask him what the point was in asking me that, and he'd respond, "It's just fun to think about." He would then pause momentarily, and say, "Maybe some chicken, and pasta for a side."

There was only so much of this I could take, so in the March of 2009 (I kid you not), I drafted a Declaration to free myself of his dinner tyranny, a Declaration of Dindependence. Believe it or not, it has worked. Although, I suspect that when he reads this it will start up again. The things one does in the name of their blog...

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one bud to be prevented from speaking of nightly dins to his other buds, and to assume among the powers of the earth, a separate and potentially equally boring topic of conversation to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle him, a decent respect to the opinions of buds all over the world requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the cease said conversation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all dins are created equal, that those created by the Catman are endowed with certain qualities, that among these are boringness, repetitiveness, and the pursuit of the trivial. — That to prevent these qualities from spilling over to other things, rules of Budship are instituted among buds, deriving their just powers from the consent of buds in general, — That whenever any one bud becomes destructive in his conversation of his nightly din, it is the Right of the other buds to prevent the first bud from speaking of such meals, and to institute a new set of rules, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to these them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Budships long established should not be changed for light and transient causes (pupets, fizzy McGeorges); and accordingly all experience hath shewn that buds are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Budship, and to provide new restrictions for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these many buds; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Budship. The history of the present Catman is a history of repeated unwanted queries and discussions of his nightly Din, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over his other buds. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world....

The Scratching Post: J Declines Dinner, Confirms Turd Status

In a very precedented move today, J decided he's not going to dinner tonight even though everyone else is going and his friend Catman would like him to go. Big F'ing surprise. This doesn't even come as a shock to those who have never met J. I asked a few people around the building what they think of the decision and was met with this overwhelming response: "That guy always looked like a real turd." There you have it. J is a turd. It is suspected that he will continue to be a turd until the end of his days, and even then I'm sure he will find some way of letting everyone down in the afterlife.

J and the Catman: Carrotbuds Forever

Each month, I allot a certain amount of "carrot points" that J may win by performing various tasks that a groodbud should do. In this photo, J has just finished backing me up on a joke I made at lunch (pronounced "munch"). Subsequently, he was awarded one carrot point. Each time J decides he wants to do something that makes me want to smash his face into oblivion, I deduct one carrot point (for example, when he feels that he is so great and important that he will just pull his shitty car into a space and toss it in park at any goddamn angle that he wants).

J. and the Catman Envision an Alternate Post WWII Europe

J.: we fought hard during world war two, right?

Catman: i guess

J.: don't you think we should have kept a little land for ourselves?

Catman: i assume you're quoting something stupid or something

J.: nah

J.: I woke up thinking that yesterday

Catman: ah ok

Catman: yea

Catman: should have kept france

Catman: right?

J.: should have at least kept something

J.: a pond or something

J.: Lake America

J.: we could hold the international Jet Ski competitions there every year

CATMAN 20/20: Catman "Quite Tired" Today

A busy weekend for the Catman, it was. And the result?

Catman: real tired today

no j
JJVH: why are you tired?

Catman: didn't sleep well

JJVH: what's on the hotplate?

Catman nothin really

trying to get it in gear

The Catman, who has been trying to "get it in gear" for the larger portion of the last four and a half years, has yet to experience a Monday morning where he doesn't feel like someone smashed him in the face with a toaster oven. It is speculated that despite his best attempts, he may in fact just need an entirely new transmission.

J and the Catman make dinner plans

With evening quickly approaching, and empty stomachs to fill, J and the Catman are overheard sharing polite conversation about their plans for dinner:

Catman: mighten we do a din tonight?

J: we mighten

J: where would we munch

Catman: appleseed's maybe

Catman: or could go to the barnyard

J: what about the Farmer's Hotel?

Catman: J.H. Buchanon's

J: Farnsworths

Catman: so we've got a few options

J: and there's that new place

J: whats it called again?

Catman: Hamdinger's

J: Hamdinger's it is.

It's probably worth noting that none of the locations they list actually exist. But I don't think that will stop them, do you?

CATMAN 20/20: Catman Blasts Off

If it's Friday, and it's 9:30am, that means only one thing: Starbucks. For most of the employees at Groodbud & Groodbud, this is a peaceful, stress-free trip. For the Catman, however, it's a different animal altogether. This morning was particularly wild. Instead of his usual tall iced latte, he boldly ordered a grande caramel macchiato. By 9:45, all the neurons in Catman's pea-brain were firing on both cylinders, and his heart could barely keep up. What follows are excerpts of two (of what is presumably hundreds of) nearly identical conversations, the first between LL, a longtime Catman aficionado; the second between J:

The build-up:

Catman: LL
LL: d
Catman: MY BUD!
we should go to vegas
that would be great if we all went to vegas
hanging in the pool, drinking pina coladas
soaking it in
Catman: you know what would also be great
if we had a beach we could hang on at night
with a fire and some beers and hot dogs and stuff
always see that happening on commercials
but never happens in real life
why is that?
should be able to drink outside
we need a private beach

--

The high:

Catman: riding the brown dragon

i'm a great guy

damnit

you know the song handle with care?

listening to that

feeling good

i like george harrison

we should have a dance party

DANCE PARTY FREAKOUT

someone needs to get married

j could

can get divorced after, i just want to do some wedding dancing

--

The peak:

Catman: j
Catman: i think i am hyperventilating
Catman: sweating pretty bad through this shirt

Catman: vision is starting ot go dim
Catman: HELP ME JABYWON SPINOLI

--

The aftermath (life returns to normal):

Catman: pretty bored here

not a lot going on on my end

i might start saying been like british people say it

bean

you know how british people say bean instead of been

--

Just another typical day at Groodbud & Groodbud.

J and the Catman share a moment

Catman: j

J: yo

Catman: i nub you

J: come on man

Catman: :)

Foreign Correspondent JJVH Not Made Partner

It's tough to lose good help. Even tougher to lose grood help. At the end of this month, foreign correspondent JJVH leaves the United States for Africa to work as an indentured servant for the family pictured above. With this move, it is highly likely he will sever his ties with YDG.blogspot.com. So I was surprised when I got to work this morning to see him already in the box:

JJVH: Working J. Groodbud hours here.

JJVH: Trying to make partner at groodbud & groodbud.

JJVH: My life is a whirlwind. it's pretty crazy. And in 3 weeks it will stop and I will have nothing. I'll spend my days quietly monitoring the roomba

J: We should talk about upping your ydg responsibilities.

JJVH: Maybe I could monitor the catmail? Edit the questions and send them to the catman for responses?

JJVH: Honestly though, unless i make partner at Groodbud & groodbud, everything changes. However, the limited compensation pool at present has made the partnership reluctant to expand.

J: This is true -- if we had more donations (ahem) we could offer to pay you more.

JJVH: Groodbud, Groodbud and the K.I.D. That has a nice ring to it.

J: It certainly does. Let me talk to the Catman.

--

The Catman is a stickler though. And with over half of our anticipated revenues being used to support his online dating habits, I suspected that we weren't going to have the funds. Still, I asked him anyway:

J: JJVH wants partner

Catman: hmm yea

Catman: maybe a few more years with the firm.

And just like that, an era came to an end. Send us a resume at groodbud@gmail.com

The Cat's Meow: Catman Responds to Your Catmail

We're quite excited to have received our first Catmail. Here at Groodbud & Groodbud, we cherish your support and take your input seriously. That's why we've decided to include a new section on YDG: The Cat's Meow. Each week, one lucky Catfan will have their Catmail read and responded to by the Catman, himself. Our first Catmail comes Big-A in Austin, TX. Big-A writes:

Catman,

I heard that Catman has recently acquired a basil plant in his apartment. This would be good for the Catman so he doesn’t get lonely and so more of the CO2 in his apartment is seeped up and replaced with oxygen. However, I’m concerned as cats are notoriously bad at taking care of plants. Can Catman provide a plant update?

Big-A

------------

Dear Big-A,

You heard correctly. I have been given a basil plant, aptly named Basil. He lives in a paper cup and is only a baby. We have developed an unlikely bond over the past week -- a bond that shall continue to grow stronger. As I weep before bed, I make sure to collect my tears so that he may have a drink. We sit on the couch in silence, because we do not need words to express our love. Each night, I stroke his leaves softly, singing a collection of his favorite showtunes while I prepare his glass of warm Yoo-Hoo. We are doing quite well together. Quite well, indeed.

I hope this answers your question. You keep sending them, we'll keep reading them.

Introducing: Catmail

Checking the analytics account this morning, I noticed that someone in Tranas, Sweden visited YDG.blogspot.com yesterday. Including the U.S., we've now received hits from Canada, Brazil, India, Spain, Bulgaria, and Sweden. It's only a matter of time before the rest of Europe falls, and with it, the gateway to the rest of the world. Not too bad for a little site about a couple of buds.

Using what was left of the money from YDG merchandise sales (the Catman spent most of it on a muffin yesterday morning), we've decided to roll out: Catmail. Initially, we'd wanted it to perform a lot of the same functions as gmail, but be limited to Catfans. However, this was a sheer insanity. We've scaled it back to an e-mail account where out loyal readers can ask the Catman questions (i.e., what are you thinking for din tonight?) or provide suggestions about how to improve YDG.blogspot.com (i.e., shut it down). We look forward to hearing from you!

CATMAN 20/20 FLASH

Voting has closed. The Catman is now officially "out there" on the internet dating scene, and he's been flooded with responses. Because of his early success there; the quasi-celebrity status he's attained through YDG (Olá Brazil!); and a computer program that he completed last night, he's grown more confident and comfortable with himself. To be honest, it's been a real joy to watch. So the question remains - why does the lonely cat have a lonely?

Because he's a greedy little bastard who always needs attention.

After I hadn't responded to his 10 minute summary of every nuance of one of the hundreds of dates he's going on this weekend, he sent me this:

Catman: JABER

Catman: FLYING PEEPER

Catman: CHECK IT TO THE NORTH

Catman: COMING IN HOT

I humored him with a "haha" because, believe it or not, this is actually a relatively common exchange to indicate that he feels overlooked (although this is the first time the flying peepers have come from the North). The "haha" was apparently all he needed.

Catman: gotta go on a diet i think

Catman: is because i ate that stupid pastry thing

Catman: so feeling bulky now

Catman: that's one of the steps to getting it back

Catman: gotta clean my room

Catman: buy some more pants

Keep in mind that he bought a new pair of pants last weekend, and that because of a still undiagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder his room is always completely spotless. Still, he's got a date this weekend, so things are looking up.

The Scratching Post: Catman Replaces J with Pile of Trash

If J wants to stick it to me with that little horse tramp he's going around with now, I'll stick it right back to him. I, the Catman, am officially bumping J from the #1 groodbud slot, and replacing him with a far superior groodbud: a pile of trash. Once the proper forms have been filled out, the list of Catbuds will stand as thus:
1) Pile of Trash
2) [left blank in case a really great bud comes along]
3) J

J Finds New, Better Bud in New Orleans

Photo of J holding a beer for his new bud, a miniature horse named Rascal, in a gas station parking lot in New Orleans. However, because Rascal was denied entry onto American Airlines flight 8335 back to Boston on account of being a miniature horse, J will attempt to re-kindle his budship with the Catman over the next few days. The initial exchange has been rocky:

Catman: nice to have you back in the box

J.: I don't know. It feels different

Catman: lets get some chatter

Catman: some of that old time chatter

J.: I wonder what Rascal is up to?

Catman: Who's Rascal?

More posts forthcoming.