Catman and the Bee

Catman: bee guy excavating some rocks outside - could be cool for us to check that out
J: what do you mean - bee guy?
Catman: guy who is like a bee
Catman: is not a bee
Catman: but is like a bee
Catman: you want to check that out?
J: I guess. I dont know what you mean.
Catman: is a bee
Catman: type thing
Catman: making something out of the rocks
J: what the f are you talking about?
Catman: the bee
J: what fing bee man?
Catman: the one i saw yesterday. he's excavating some rocks.
J: I dont know what the f you're talking about
Catman: :(
J: just tell me what you want me to do
Catman: you want to see a bee?
J: an actual bee?
Catman: yea
J: sure

There's a window in the coffee station on the first floor. It's hard to see anything out of it with the fridge in the way. A couple of days ago the Catman claims he saw a bee through the window, a bee which was tunneling into some loose rocks. He explained to me that he had watched the bee fly into the tunnel, grab a rock with his front claws and then back slowly out of the tunnel - there wasn't enough space in the tunnel to turn around yet (presumably, this was one of the things the bee was working on). He said he's been going back every day or so to check on the bee and see how his tunnel is progressing.

It took me ten minutes to grasp what he was talking about (see above), and when we finally went down there the bee was gone. I asked him why he thought a bee might be building a tunnel if it already lived in a hive and he said it's nice to have some alone time sometimes.

The Catman's Surprise

Catman: got chicken salad today
J: A subscription to Chicken Salad Today, the monthly magazine?
Catman: remember when i bought that can of chicken
J: no
Catman: anyway
Catman: turns out that can makes enough for two sandwich
Catman: so that's great news
J: Is that their feature story this month?
The Catman: yea
The Catman: anyway, i'll be munching on that today
The Catman: i wanted to tell you now so you won't get freaked out later

Charting a new course in Catland

There's no doubt the fantastical world that J and the Catman exist in is large, but is it infinite? There has been a great deal of debate on it, but after today, I think we can safely conclude it has bounds. For your reading pleasure, I present Centaur Dave.

J: if Centaur Dave existed I would hop on his back and ride into the sunset right now.
Catman: haha
J: I'd always ride him bareback
J: barebutt on bareback
J: Centaur Dave represents absolute freedom to me
Catman: --

After lunch:
J: Have you seen Centaur Dave around here?
J: I think I may have left him untethered
J: Where is Centaur Dave?
Catman: nah
J: You don't like Centaur Dave much?
J: d?
Catman: ?
J: You don't like Centaur Dave much?
Catman: nah

J and the Catman Present: Iceberging

The following post was inspired by the recent viral-marketing-campaign-slash-drinking-game known as icing. It turned a totally lame drink into something all the kids want to drink. Imagine what you could do with vegetables.

Okay, so you're hanging with a bud, watching the World Cup, when he tells you he's gotta grab something from the fridge. With all the cat hair in the air, and the sound of the vuvuzelas blaring, you don't even notice that he didn't ask if you wanted anything. But when he comes back in, he's smiling like crazy. Something is up - he doesn't smile unless he's scared, or he's plotting something. Then you notice the head of lettuce.

"You just got iceberged," he proclaims.

Son-of-a... That bastard. How are you going to be able to eat a whole head of lettuce, you ask yourself. But those are the rules. You've got to do it. No dressing, nothing. Just leaf after leaf. Even that hard brown bit at the bottom. Your bud is going to love watching you struggle through this.

Suddenly, you're reaching for your backpack. Your hands are moving on their own, and to be honest, you're a little freaked out. But when you pull out your own head of lettuce, his mouth drops. You've reversed his Iceberg. He'll have to eat both heads of lettuce now.

Amidst all the floating cat dander, you sit back coolly in your chair, and think to yourself, "now, is there a cat in here or what?"

A Present for Basil

As the Catman and I sat at munch today, we spoke of many things, and I must admit he made me laugh more than once. Even when the conversation petered out, the silence was comfortable. He'd take a single sugar snap peapod from a half-sized ziplock bag that he carries with him to lunch, and I'd hear a light chomp as he snacked. He looked at ease with himself, and I wondered if I might end up like that someday. I'd like that, I thought to myself.

When he realized that I'd been observing him, he stopped, and slid the ziplock bag across to me. There were still three peapods left. Surprised, I asked, "what's this for?"

He smiled, and answered, "there's three pea points in there for being a goodbud." It was as if he'd read my mind.

It was hard to eat those peapods with such a big smile on my face, but somehow I managed. When my stomach was full, I thought, "how can I repay the Catman for his years of kindness?" Then I remembered about the Basil plant that had recently entered into his life, how he often spoke about it's development with the pride of a new father. I'd do something for Basil, I decided.

I took a deep breath, released it into the ziplock bag, and closed it, careful to not let any escape. I slid the bag bag to him and said, "for Basil." He looked at it, touched, tears welling in the corners of his eyes. Finally, he spoke.

"You think you're pretty funny, don't you?" he asked.

I couldn't see how that was relevant so decided not to answer. I reminded him that plants need carbon dioxide to grow, so he could use my breath to nourish one of his own - what better gesture could I make? When I began to walk him through some of the precautions he would need to take (don't transport the ziplock bag in your pockets, and if you put it in your bookbag, make sure it's not next to something pointy), he interrupted me.

"I'm going to have those pea points deducted," he said.

Even after 3 years, he still knows how to surprise me.

Mass-Marketing a Miniaturized Catman

J: What would you say if I told you'd I'd been contacted by an Japanese fellow who wanted to clone you and sell smaller versions of you on the asian market?
Catman: ok
J: they'd use a growth inhibitor to keep the clones around 2-3 feet tall
J: and mainly use them for sex acts
Catman: haha
J: would you buy a mini-Catman?
Catman: yea
J: what would you do with him?
Catman: i don't know man
J: come on
Catman: i'd probably use him to sweep up
J: grow his hair out and use him like a broom?
Catman: he would use the broom - i don't want to do the sweeping
J: he would use a mini-broom?
J: or a full sized one?
Catman: whatever he wants to
J: would he be strong enough to use a full sized broom?
Catman: yea
J: angle would be tough for him
Catman: ok a small broom then
J: where would you get a small broom from though? It might make sense to buy a big one and just cut it in half. He can use the other half as a walking stick
Catman: yea
J: where would he sleep?
Catman: dog bed
J: in your room?
Catman: alex's room
J: what if he cried in the night?
Catman: ok man, give it a rest
Catman: before i crush you into oblivion

Catman Gives J a Compliment

Catman: you're a nice boy

CATMAN 20/20 FLASH

A nice young woman from the law offices of Groodbud & Groodbud had a baby not too long ago. After three months of maternity leave, she - no doubt begrudgingly - separated herself from her newborn and returned to her job, a part of which is heading up an internal environmentalism group (use glass mugs not paper cups, that kind of thing). In the customary fashion of recent parents, she posted a few pictures of her daughter on the door to her office. (The Catman has long considered posting pictures of his "child," a 2-month old basil plant named, of all things, Basil). This morning, the Catman, Hater of all things Good and Fair, was accused of a crime, which he may or may not have committed.

Catman: yesterday someone taped green horns and a mustache to _____ baby pictures
Catman: ____ thinks it was me
Catman: im's me
Catman: asking if i know about it
Catman: f you
Catman: if it had been me i would have drawn big x's through them

What do you think? Is the Catman innocent or guilty? Sound off below.

Rock the Cat-sbah

It's no secret that the Catman has ambitions to become a famous rockstar. Here, we get a rare glimpse into his songwriting process...

Catman: thinking i might write a song called "help me, jabywon spinoli"
Catman: and then another song that appears later on the alb that is called "jabywon spinoli, help me"
Catman: and one is a hard rock song and the other is an acoustic take on it

If you're wondering to yourself, "What is a 'jabywon spinoli'?", jabywon spinoli is how Catman commonly refers to J when he is in a state of panic. For example, you might see:

Catman: HELP ME JABYWON SPINOLI
Catman: HELP ME

Quite an imagination on that Catman... Quite an imagination...

Guess Who's Back

Catman: would be great if you went by Jaberton Peeper
Catman: and you had a top hat
Catman: and one of those curly mustaches that is painted on
J: and you could be Farnsworth McBuddington
J: and ride around with an English Terrier who wore a monocle
J: and you'd only drink bottles of fresh lamb's milk
J: and talk about wanting to make your own raisens someday, when it was a little sunnier out