Catpeople-Clownpeople Summit A Success

Early reports from the 2010 Catpeople-Clownpeople Summit, held this week at a traincar-McDonalds in Barstow, California, suggest that the 2003 peace accord reached between Catpeople and Clownpeople remains firmly intact.

J On Location: New Orleans

I was awoken this morning to the sound of my phone's text message beep:

From: J [Apr 30, 4:47am]
Catbuuuuuuud

As J's fragile constitution and weak body prohibit him from staying out past 10:30pm, we can only deduce one possible scenario: J got up at 4:00am and headed down to the New Orleans public library to work on his screenplay (most likely, to stick it to his friend Catman). Many suspect this "screenplay" does not actually exist and speculate that J gets into the office at 5am and sits quietly, waiting until Catman arrives so that he may trample him as he sits atop his high horse.

CATMAN 20/20: Catman "Out There" While Remaining Inside

The Catman was pretty bored today and so, decided to write a 20/20 Flash about himself. Inspired by the overwhelming positive response to the Catman Poll, issued earlier this week, he has taken the plunge. Yes, the Catman is now "out there," 24/7, from the comfort of his living room couch (where he watched Rambo: First Blood three consecutive nights this week). Though J is not around to copy/paste from "the box," we can imagine what this conversation may have been like:

J: catbud?
Catman: Professor Groodpeep
J: what you get up to last night
Catman: got my profile up... i'm out there jerry
J: catman... on the prowl reeeeaaarrr
Catman:pretty nervous, though
not sure what is going to happen here
J: pretty swervous

... and so on. Though we can only speculate as to the content of the next few thousand box-chats, they most likely would have consisted of various arrangements of the words "peep," "bud," and "cat." After interviewing several of Catman's co-workers and friends, it has been confirmed that he is, in fact, "quite nervous," and is not yet sure if he likes "this sort of thing."

The Scratching Post: The Missing J

I got in this morning to a J-less office. It's really thrown off my normal routine: in at 8, sametime box to J open by 8:03, go over to J's office, eat my banana, and pace around asking, "what else do we have on the hotplate?" But with J in New Orleans, those days are a distant memory. Instead, I'm left to converse with foreign correspondent JJVH and our feline friend LL.

Let's see how the morning without J is going so far:
JJVH: corncob?
...
JJVH: ?
...
JJVH: I dont know who todd is
Dave, you do know that I'm not J right?
...
JJVH: You have to give more context
...
JJVH: Context?
...
JJVH: You have a comedic style?
...
JJVH: I don't know how to respond

And from LL:
LL: d
(I'm still waiting for LL to respond to the other 26 gchats I've sent her.)

J, I miss you. Come back home.

A Call to Catman Nation

As many of the loyal readers of YDG.blogspot.com are aware, I, J. Groodbud, am departing for New Orleans tomorrow with a gang of stray cats. Aside from having to come up with a plan to assuage the Catman's impending separation anxiety, there are a variety of practical issues that need to be dealt with, from figuring out his meals, to scheduling drop-offs between his "watchers." Most readers aren't aware that the Catman is under 24-hour surveillance because, left to his own devices, he would wander onto the freeway. What concerns me most are the hours between 6 PM on Friday Night and 2 AM on Saturday morning. As of now, I haven't been able to line-up a watcher so I call on you, Catman Nation, to step up. If I don't hear back, I might be forced to tether him to the radiator in his room for the weekend, and nobody wants to deal with that mess on Monday morning.

BREAKING NEWS: YDG To Launch Sock Monkey Store, Summer 2014

The Wall Street Journal reported today that YDG executives have confirmed their intentions to open a cat-themed sock monkey store in 2014. Responding to increased consumer sock monkey spending in FY09, YDG officials have been eager to tap into the personalized sock monkey business. "This is something we've been interested in doing for a long time," said an anonymous YDG board member. "Unfortunately, it will take quite a few years to collect enough socks to meet demand." When questioned about the cost of the future sock monkeys, the YDG executive responded, "We're very excited to introduce the first sock monkey line manufactured entirely by cats. We anticipate being able to pass those realized cost-savings directly to sock monkey consumers."

Though cat-manufacturing was banned in the United States in 1992, many companies have found ways to continue this practice off-shore. "Our strategic plan involves sending a boat-full of cats into international waters, filling the boat with sock material and buttons, and letting nature take its course."

YDG Takes Home TopCat Award

Michael Swartz of YDG.blogspot.com's Lake Shore Cryotronics division took home top honors yesterday at the 4th annual 2006 TopCat Awards (the "Catties") presented by TechColumbus. Congratulations to Mike and to YDG. Future award ceremonies hope to include other nominees.

The Scratching Post: Catman Has Nothing To Say

It's been brought to my attention recently that many of our dedicated readers would like to see more scratching posts. Well, I'll tell you what. Go F yourselves. It's not easy to think of things to say, and it's even more difficult to think of funny things to say. We can't all be J, the delicate genius, getting into work at 5am so that he can walk around feeling like he is so great.

No. For a Catman, it's hard work. This morning, as I sat and listened to LL tell me about how I am lame now (see: Catman Poll), I pondered over the following question: you always hear about "impair" and "impeach," but why the hell don't you ever hear about "imapple" or "imbanana?" I thought this would make for a great scratching post, but J didn't hesitate to knock that dream out of the dreamtree. Well, I put it up anyway, J. How you like me now?

CATMAN POLL

I wanted to take a second to highlight a poll that we're currently running at YDG (see right hand bar). It's no secret to most that the Catman does well with the felines. Over the past decade or so, he's mastered the Peep and Run, while narrowly avoiding many of the more serious STDs. In recent weeks however, he's felt an additional emotion mixed with the usual sadness that resides at the center of his heart - a longing for companionship. There are a number of factors that go into deciding to do online dating, so the choice hasn't been an easy one.

Please take a second and fill out the poll. Thanks!

CATMAN 20/20 FLASH

Catman: thinking i will return to the gym today

Your Daily Groodbud Earnings Report

Your Daily Groodbud (Ticker Symbol YDG) has released their Weekly Earnings Report for the Groodbud Store this morning. As indicated, Sales, Profits and Net Revenue have remained stable at the at zero dollars and zero cents. This may be due to persistent rumors that YDG employs cheap foreign labor to manufacture their products; although, official YDG statements insist that the cats don't feel any pain when they're skinned, and that a majority of the cats are stray anyway. Early trading on the Dow Jones was mixed, while other Cat-related stocks were down heavily.

CATMAN 20/20 FLASH

The Catman is nothing if not punctual. He prides himself in this, taking a great deal of comfort in the familiarity of the routine. Most mornings he arrives at the office at 8:00 on the dot. This morning, 8:00 came and went. At 8:45 there was still no word, so I sent him a simple text.

J.: Catbud?

Sometime around 9:00, the Catmobile came screaming into the parking lot. A little after that, he was online. By 9:20, our conversation consisted of only two lines:

Catman: already riding me

J.: ?

And then this, from our foreign correspondent:

JJVH: J says you had a hard time waking up this morning?
Catman: i was up until 230 - and if he says that again i'm going to punch a hole through him.

It looks like its going to be a long day in Catland.

The Scratching Post: J Gets on Catman's Nerves

At roughly 11:00am this morning, J got on the Catman's nerves by asking him stupid questions to which he already knew the answer.

Catman: 8 8 i forget what 8 is for
J: hahaha
J: pretty grood, right?
J: you know that song?
Catman: what song
J: haha
Catman: ?
J: what you mean?
Catman: what do you mean
Catman: man
J: d
J: what are you talking about/
Catman: what are you talking about, man
J: did you listen to that song?
...
Catman: why did you ask "do you know that song?"
Catman: after you sent it to me
Catman: and i quoted from it
J: had you heard it before
J: I meant
Catman: you twerp

7 minutes later, it was confirmed that J is a twerp.

CATMAN 20/20 FLASH

The Catman enjoys a quiet moment over the weekend with one of his friends. I have a few photos of him hanging out with this dog, but most were taken in in the get to know you phase.

--

Looking at this picture got me thinking of a conversation I had with the Catman's Sister not too long after YDG.blogspot.com first rolled out.

Catman's Sister: I wanted to tell you have an amazing talent for making fun of my brother.

J: Fun with your brother.

Catman's Sister: And it's well written too.

J: Yeah -- I want to explore the bond that J and the Catman share. Hopefully its something that a lot of people can connect with.

Catman's Sister: it's given me a whole new perspective into the life of mr. schnookums.

J: is that your name for him?

Catman's sister: Yeah when I was little I wanted a dog but my parents said we got you a little brother instead, so I gave him a dog name.

I know it's not a good thing to run through alternate scenarios, to wonder "what if?" You've only got one life and you shouldn't spend it full of regret. Regardless, I can't help but wonder what if the Catman had been replaced with a dog named Mr. Schnookums? What could we say about a world where that was the case? Would it be a better place? Yeah, probably.

The Scratching Post

Catman says: I'll tell you what I don't like. Non-human primates. They are bullshit. They can't be trusted. For years I've been convinced that they have been running internet pyramid schemes, probably out of Russia. And don't lend them money. You won't be getting that back. They are notoriously bad at paying back money.

CATMAN 20/20 FLASH: THE CAT CLOCK HAS BEGUN ITS COUNTDOWN

Last night, the Catman went on his date.

Catman: the cat is in the hen house

J: what does that mean?

Catman: REEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRRR

From his account, it was successful - or so he thinks. Unfortunately, there was no unbiased third-party evaluation.

J: How was your date?

Catman: pretty good i think.
J: Did you like her?
Catman: i guess so. i don't know, who's to say really?

J: i don't know what that means.
Catman: how am i supposed to know? She has a favorite nebula.

At it's very essence, the Catman's life is defined by paradox. By blood he is cat, in form he is man. While it is clear that the he likes her, he cannot see into the future to guarantee a life of happiness with her, and so a doubt, however small, remains. Because additional dates will only further muddy the matter and increase the hurt feelings if he's chosen incorrectly, the Cat Clock has officially begun it's countdown. For those who don't know, the Cat Clock is an internal timer, calibrated with an atomic clock, and set to exactly two weeks. That is to say, the Catman has two weeks - no more, no less - to make his decision about whether or not this girl is the "one."

The Cat Clock has never reached zero, and it is hypothesized by fellow members of the cat community that Armageddon would ensue.

The Scratching Post

Catman Says: If Top Gun's on TV, YOU MUST WATCH IT!

CATMAN 20/20 FLASH

Today is a big day in Catland. The Catman has a date tonight, which he showed up for 12 hours early. And at work. While his pants are tight, he does look nice (thanks LL!). I know I should feel happy for him, and I do, but the part of me that has mothered him all these years feels like it's lost something. I guess it's just tough to watch your little catfriend grow up.

CATMAN 20/20 FLASH

Given the most recent post on YDG.blogspot.com, you might think that the Catman would slow down his dangerous eating habits. However, he had two relatively indecipherable conversations at essentially the same time (one with J. and one with Foreign Correspondent, JJVH) that suggest otherwise.

Catman: was porkin today
Catman: porked out now
JJVH: Does that mean you were working?
Catman: ate a lot of food at lunch, chocolate cake
not going to be able to fit into my new pants

Catman: porked out today

J: what you mean?

Catman: porked out now

J: porked out?

J: tired?

Catman: ate all that food at lunch, that cake

J:chubby boy

Catman: yea

Catman: maybe best if i don't eat dinner

CATMAN 20/20: Catman's Ass Looks Fly

The Catman has been talking about getting a new pair of jeans for nearly two years. Last night, after a two hour stint at the Gap, the Catman's dream was fulfilled when he purchased a pair of slim-fitting jeans. The Catman, a fashion neophyte, voiced his concern (multiple times) about people being able to see his "stuff." Luckily, Catman's friend and clothing adviser, LL, reminded him that most people don't carry magnifying glasses around with them. However, Catman is still wary that he won't be able to sit down and is still uncertain about where to put his "stuff." He looks forward to your suggestions.

Mystery Bird Found in Courtyard Identified

The mysterious bird which was found in the courtyard earlier this week, apparently dead, has been identified as a Catbird. It is the first Catbird to be found since the late 1800's when it was believed they had been hunted to extinction for their lovable cat-faces and bird-like bodies.

CATMAN 20/20 FLASH: Caution - Wet Floors

The Catman hurt his back over the weekend.

Catman: back hurts
J: What'd you do to it?
Catman: mopping

J: I think it's spelled "moping" - and I'm not sure how you could hurt yourself doing it.

CATMAN 20/20 FLASH

Catman is rewarded with an ice cream maker for three years of service. The question is: can you make ice cream out of lonely tears and broken dreams?

Unser Kleiner Deutscher Freund

(Thanks to Jefe for the original photo)

Cat Tub Time Machine

The Catman fell asleep in the Cat Tub this weekend, and woke up in his freshman year in college.

Catman 20/20: The Catman Makes No Plans

Weekends are generally pretty tough for the Catman. What for most is a chance to hang out and relax is a reminder to the Catman that he should be hanging out and relaxing. And as he sits and contemplates this, he fails to hang out and relax, and so disappoints himself even more.

This weekend is expected to be particularly tough for the Catman, because his friend J. will be away, at a birthday party on Friday and in Rhode Island (what the Catman refers to as Spider Alley) on Saturday. The Catman did not take this news particularly well.

Catman: i'll just curl up and wait for the weekend to be over

--

The irony of the Catman, however, is that despite his relatively saturnine demeanor, there is a little flame of optimism in him that will never be quenched.

Catman: if there are any girls at the party, you will tell them about me right?

J: Of course, tiny bud. I will tell them that you were a grood bud to me for a long time, but became very sick and passed away.

J: I will say to them, "you would have loved the catman, he had the kindest smile."

Catman: nah

Catman: don't say that

The Scratching Post

Catman says: To avoid cat scratch fever... always wrap it up.

CATMAN 20/20 FLASH

Two hornets flew into the Catman's office this morning:

Catman: hornet is freaking me out

Catman: he could just fly out

Catman: i think the other one has learned helplessness

J: hahah

J: he learn it from you?

--

They eventually flew away, but it had some unintended consequences:

Catman: the first hornet left

Catman: and then the second one that wasn't doing anything got up and left

Catman: what do you think that was about

Catman: i mean i know i wanted them to leave

Catman: but now that they are gone

Catman: i am feeling sort of lonely

All in all, the Catman learned a valuable lesson about friendship and not taking things for granted; it also reaffirmed the distinct possibility that he might remain alone forever.

The Scratching Post

Catman says: It would be great if I had nuclear arms. I could go around touching people and giving them radiation poisoning.

Unmanipulated J and the Catman Photo Found

RUMORS PUT TO REST

Over the past few hours, the internet has been abuzz with rumors that J and the Catman have outsourced their blog to India. This is entirely not true. Although the men pictured above (J and the बिल्ली आदमी) share a similar relationship as J to the Catman (and vice-versa), they are not affiliated in any way to the duo.

The Scratching Post

Catman says: You can make an omelette with Cadbury eggs.

CATMAN 20/20 FLASH

At 3:21 P.M. EST, the Catman indicated that he was "thinking [he] might go to the gym tonight." More news to follow as it develops. It is unclear what he is planning for din, but presumed to be chicken.

Door leading to the Catman's office

Despite having his name crossed off, Victor Guzik (as of 4/6/10) remains alive.

A Catwalk Down Memory Lane

A young Catman on the prowl.

The Scratching Post

Catman says: Cleanliness counts!
(Click on Vogelkop Bowerbirds)

J. and the Catman Bring it in for a Hug

Kickstarting the afternoon.

CATMAN 20/20 FLASH

As of 10:30 a.m. EST, the Catman was "determined to get it back." "It" is still undefined, but presumed not to be harmful.

A groodbud always uses a nearby trash receptacle to dispose of his leftover food

To a groodbud it's obvious: if you've got leftover food after munch, place it in the nearby trash receptacle.