Reasons Why the Catman Should Never Wear A Badge: #139

It's late May, and that means that colleges across the country are preparing for graduation. For many, it's a time of mixed emotions. For all, it's a time of mixed drinks. This morning I received an e-mail from a friend (and fellow alumnus) about a party at our alma mater that got a little out of hand.

According to the student quoted in the article, when the police arrived, they "were abusive to students, pulling hair and pepper spraying even nonviolent bystanders." (There are unconfirmed rumors of pinching and tickling.) By the end, the article reports, "a number of students, bruised and bloodied, were also being loaded into ambulances. Others roaming the street were shirtless and barefoot." In conclusion, the student remarked, "it was barbaric."

Although, when asked what was barbaric, neither the student nor the reporter could remember if they had been talking about the party or Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome, which had been playing on TV earlier that night.

In any event, I passed this news item along to the Catman, who responded in typical fashion:

Catman: haha a bunch of upper middle class white kids at a presitigious liberal arts college, must have been pretty scary.
Catman: "whatever dude, we're gonna wear our birkenstocks and listen to our music and those pigs can't stop us, someone get out the frisbees!"
Catman: i would have just started shooting

Catman Regales J with Tales of his Nightly Din

(Photo: J and the Catman drink mimosas and share a chicken wing during better times.)

Given Friday's post indicating that J and the Catman less than amicably parted ways, a number of people have been wondering if YDG is closing it's doors. It couldn't be farther from the truth. Things are better than ever at YDG, it's just a slow week for Cat news. Consider the following:

Catman: got two cranberry stuffing chicken breasts from tjeezys
Catman: was pretty good
J: What was?

The only way to beat the Catman is to play ball with him. Ten minutes passed.

Catman: you hear what i said about that chicken i got?
J: nah
Catman: cranberry stuffing chicken breast
Catman: from tjeezy
J: ?
Catman: got a couple of those
Catman: had one last night
Catman: not bad
Catman: switching it up
Catman: had some weird basmati rice pilaf type thing too
Catman: good right?
J: what is?
Catman: that din
Catman: switching it up
Catman: having something diff
J: I missed it I think
Catman: also got some of that bbq chicken stuff


A lot of people have asked why there weren't any posts yesterday, I don't think they'll be asking that question anymore.

J. and the Person Formerly Known as Catman Sell Out, Person Formerly Known as Catman Resigns

Things were going to happen differently. This blog post was going to start with us saying, "when the Catman trims his whiskers, he uses bathroom vanities bought from www.justvanities.com”. J and the Person formerly known as Catman were going to remain groodbuds until the end of time. Money changes all that though.

We'd gotten off to a good start this morning. I'd come up with the worst adult film title of all time (Rumpled Foreskin), and the Person formerly known as Catman had made a very good, although intensely graphic, joke about the Gap. Then, out of the blue, we received an e-mail from a company that wanted to run its advertisements with us (we won't say who), and it changed everything. The Person formerly known as Catman started sticking his nose where it didn't belong, asking all kinds of questions about who gets what. When I went Zuckerberg on his ass, he started getting sentimental, saying things like "fifty-fifty split" and "partnership." In the end, this happened:  


Person formerly known as Catman: you take the money. i quit.

Person formerly known as Catman: we'll see how far you get

J: can we still talk though, as friends?

Person formerly known as Catman: nah

Person formerly known as Catman: i quit the budship

Person formerly known as Catman: you've f'ed me for the last time

J: k
Person formerly known as Catman: from now on i withdraw priveleges to use the name catman, use any picture of catman, talk about what catman does during the day, use anything catman said
Person formerly known as Catman: we'll see how interesting the blog is
Person formerly known as Catman: you've just f'ed yourself
J: k

Honestly, I don't know what to make of it. My brain tells me he'll be back, but my heart says he's gone forever.  Who cares though, for twenty bucks I can buy an entire litter of kittens.

If I Could Offer You One Tip for the Future

Summer is starting, and with it comes longer days and more sunlight. While this is definitely a good thing, it pays to be mindful. Unless precautions are taken, prolonged exposure to sunlight increases one's chances of developing skin cancer later in life.

When the weather permits at Groodbud & Groodbud, we'll often eat our munches outside. Today, it was 80 degrees and there wasn't a single cloud in the sky. As we sat eating, I noticed the sun had caused the Catman's usual alabaster skin to take on a pinkish hue. Using a napkin, I dabbed a bead of sweat from my head and tried to think of how to help - when it hit me.

I unfolded the paper napkin and placed it lightly on his head as a kind of makeshift sun bonnet. For a moment, it appeared to work. The napkin absorbed the harmful UV rays and shaded his brow. Hoping he'd be happy with my invention, I smiled at him. This was when I noticed he didn't share my, or my fellow co-workers', enthusiasm. He then told me he'd give me something to smile about and, surprisingly, when I asked if it was a funny joke or a nice picture of his family, he only became more enraged.

Confused by the whole ordeal, I asked him point-blank:

J: you didn't like your little sun bonnet?

Catman: nah

J: I was worried you would get burnt

Catman: about to get a paw to the peep

Then things took a turn for the nonsensical:

Catman: the wrath of the paw

J: Is that the name of your new screenplay?

Catman: yea

J: what's the premise?

The catman battling the sun?

Catman: yea and everyone else. Catman wins.

A Method to his Catness?

It was a quiet day in Catland for most of our readers today. Little do they know about the relentless barrage of idiocy that I received from our little cat-friend. Most of which isn't fit to print. First of all there was this.

Out of the blue (1:40 PM):

Catman: lightjaber

J: you're grasping for straws now

Catman: grasping for paws

There was a pause (pun not intended), and then the Catman offered a business idea (1:41 PM):

Catman: should develop a climbing tool called the grappling paw (TM)

A strong wind passed by the window (2:51 PM):

Catman: the wind is coming up strong now

Catman: hold onto my paw

Catman: GRAB A HOLD OF MY PAW

Catman: QUICKLY

Catman: GRAB HOLD!

I attempted to summarize my feelings, and he offered me reassurance (4:34 PM):

J: talking to you somedays is like wandering around a ward of head trauma patients

J: and just listening to snippets of their conversations

Catman: nah

Catman: is a pattern

Catman: that you don't know about

J: to the madness?

Catman: the catness

Rest assured readers, there is a method to his catness.

Catman in Today, Just Quiet

This morning, all was quiet on the Catman front. There was no talk of din. No mention of the gym. Or of Trader Joes. Or the possibility of fitting into a new pair of jeans. Fearing the worst (that he'd slipped in between the radiator and the wall and fallen asleep again), and in hopes of annoying him, I sent him an IM:

J: d

Catman: ?

J: you in today?

Catman: yea why

J: just curious

J: seems like you might be "away"

Catman: hmm

Catman: nah am here

J: cool - just checking

J: Sometimes it looks like you are here, but you are actually "away"

Catman: you think it might be fun to turd on me?

J: what does that mean?

Catman: here's something for you

Catman: go jump in front of a truck

J: stationary or moving?

Catman: sometimes it looks like you are here but it turns out you are actually "annoying"

With the desired outcome reached, he was soon back to his old ways:

Catman: funny thing is i have to go to the gym today

Although, the world may never know exactly why that's a "funny thing," or earlier why he asked if it might be fun to turd on him.

The Scratching Post: Introducing Cat3PO

When I took on the Cat3PO Project, it was a seemingly impossible mission... a mission that became an incredible journey. Now, seven years later, I have created the perfect cat-robot hybrid. Half cat, half erector set, it is capable of walking around on linoleum floors and looking like it just got out of the bath. It is prophesied that in time, Cat3PO will become quite powerful and use his robot strength to strike down J in the name of the Catman, thus stealing his power (his ability to only drink freshly squeezed lemonade when all the rest of his buds are drinking beers). For, as it is written, a single Bud shall remain in the end... a Bud who will not bring down his other buds when they are trying to have fun... a Bud whose pants are not too short for his puny little legs... a Bud who would rather have cake than a fruit tart...

And so, in the name of the Catman, rise Cat3PO!! RISE!!!