The Cat's Meow... or Tweet

That's right. In addition to our new fancy(feast) look, you can now follow the ups and downs of the Catman on Twitter. (Just kidding. There are no ups.)

From the Desk of the Foreign Correspondent

Yesterday afternoon, I had to close out of all running programs for IT to remotely install a program onto my computer. This meant no conversing with the Catman for a period of 20 to 30 minutes. The Foreign Correspondent caught the fallout. (It helps to imagine the Catman as a news anchor* while you read it).

Catman: j has disappeared

Foreign Correspondent: maybe in the sun room taking a nap?

Catman: maybe

Foreign Correspondent: you panicking?

Catman: pancaking

he's just being a bone

Foreign Correspondent: why now?

Catman: might actually do a second cup of tea

need something this afternoon

to keep me going

Foreign Correspondent: that's nice

Catman: eh blow it out your ear

Foreign Correspondent:

you call j a bone

then start talking about how you're having a 2nd cup of tea

how is that interesting to anyone?

Catman: gimme mines

Foreign Correspondent: now you're just muttering

Catman: underwear's riding up

never get short cut

Foreign Correspondent: now you're really being dumb

Catman: bad bear

*A news anchor at the very worst news agency in the world.

--

Op-ed: The Relevance and Significance of the Catman in the 21st Century

This kind of exchange is what we've come to expect here at YDG, and probably doesn't surprise many of our readers. It's the same old equation: one part idiocy and one part frustration lead to a half part of comedy.

Some people may not know, but the Catman and I traveled to NYC this weekend. On Saturday night, he, alongside the Foreign Correspondent, regaled a small, but dedicated, group of YDG readers with tales of their travels. So the question is: With a shtick this old -- what is it that people like about the Catman? What brings them back for more of this cat-style of humor?

Could it be some fundamental flaw shared by all of them? While possible, it also seems unlikely. Could it be that the Catman expresses something they cannot, themselves, articulate? No. Definitely not.

I asked the Catman yesterday what he thought the Catman stood for, and he said "a guy who is like a cat but is also like a guy." The Catman has a very literal mind, and unfortunately, it doesn't receive much blood flow.

Then the answer arrived. The Foreign Correspondent informed me that one of the members of Saturday night's viewing audience told him that the Catman had been trying to get "back to basics" since High School, maybe even longer. To an audience spread across the world (we've got readers in 15 states and 17 countries), the quixotic and trivial pursuits of the Catman represents that one unchanging constant in their lives. To the solider in Afghanistan who sleeps restlessly under the fire of mortar rounds, and the Columbia grad student who finds his mechanical pencil has just run out of lead, the Catman is the one thing they can both agree to call home.

The Pork Report

A few months ago, the Foreign Correspondent told the Catman that he'd eaten a candy bar that day. Although it was only bite-size and didn't seem like much of an admission, it was a mistake. Since then the Catman has become enthralled with the idea that the Foreign Correspondent has already gained a lot of weight or is currently in the process of gaining weight:

Catman: it would be funny if he started getting pretty pudgy

This idea was on the Catman's feeble mind again today, and after lunch he told me that:

Catman: i'd like to get a look at his pork report
i have a feeling he's been a naughty bear

For those of you wondering what a "pork report" is, it's a list of all the things someone has eaten in some period of time. The term pork presumably stems from the Catman's 2010 motto/new years resolution "work out not pork out." His other goal was "smooth butter and smooth shirts" because he'd received two presents for Christmas that year: a butter bell and a steamer to iron his clothes. In any case, the Catman went straight to the Foreign Correspondent for answers:

Catman:   i'm just saying
if you've got nothing to hide, let's get a look at the report
10:12am Snickers Bar
10:27am Milky Way Bar
11:03am Butterfinger Bar
looks like these were all king size too


The Foreign Correspondent was not a fan of this line of questioning and so did not answer. This didn't stop the Catman from continuing to talk about it though.


Catman: we should run a few muffintop tests on him
J: hahahaha
what does that mean?
Catman: get him in some tight fitting jeans, see how much he is muffin topping them
hahahhaha
loving this


On a side note, this is YDG's 100th post. Although sometimes it is rewarding, most of the time it's been a pain in the peep. In any case, the Catman and I will be at the pet supply store today between 5 and 7 tripping off some catnip. Feel free to swing by for a sniff.

Catman and the Impossible Dilemma

J: question
Catman: ?
J: would you rather: a) bring a lady back to your place and start to mess around with her only to realize she's a man, but continue to have sex because you're already in the mood, or 2) knowingly start to have sex with a man but get cold feet and leave
Catman: hahahah
uhh
J: would you say you've been stumped?
J: thats what lumberjacks call gay sex
getting "stumped"
Catman: ha
J: riffin here
hop in if you've got one
Catman: that's not really a hypothetical question
J: what d'you mean?
it's not like you have to do it
but if you had to choose
Catman: because the hypothetical part is saying that i'm already choosing to do something
it has to be an external factor
J: ok -- which situation would you prefer?
Catman: i wouldn't prefer either
J: which one do you dislike least?
Catman: i can't even say
J: cant or dont want to?
Catman: which one do you like
J: this isnt about me

--

Catman: have to eat my vegetables with a spoon

J: cause of your mushmouth?

Catman: only had a spoon

ate a whole bunch of veggies

Catman 20/20 Flash: Daily Recap

Over the past two days, the Catman has been trying to prove that the set of all strings of letters of infinite lengths is uncountable. Aside from being an incredibly annoying thing for me to listen to, the prospect of grad school has brought up a lot of dormant anxieties for him. This morning, he summed up his entire collegiate experience in one wonderful sentence:

Catman: i was always the guy who peeps were like "why aren't you as smart as everyone else here."

He then elaborated on some of the keys to his success as an undergrad:


Catman: can sort of fake it in college
keep quiet
hope no one notices you
"oh we all got 1600s on our SATs, what did you get?"
i've got to go take the trash out!

After which, he opened up to me about some of the goals he hopes to accomplish with a degree in computer science, and I offered a more practical perspective:

Catman: i'd like to start making websites

J: i'd like to start making winter hats for dogs

but some things just aren't going to happen

As the conversation progressed, the subject shifted from concrete plans to more abstract goals:

J: what kind of mark do you want to leave on the world?
Catman: probably a big Z or something
J: I was hoping you would say skidmark
Catman: that's not my type of comedy

--

Later in the day, we talked about "Up in the Air," a movie I'd watched the previous night, which features George Clooney smiling in various settings. I told him how it had impacted me:

J: was thinking I might start to smile more
like a bunch more
not just a regular smile though - a smile that says "you and I share a secret"
I'm going to try it now
I'll walk down to your office and greet you with a smile.

After smiling at the Catman for a good two minutes straight, he told me I was freaking him out. If you can't count on your friends for support, who can you count on?

--

Lastly, we chatted about a bud of his who'd gotten surgery for his receding gumlines, but was well on his way to recovery:

Catman: jimmy's getting his stuffing out
J: if you had said teddy ruxpin, that sentence would've been very sad

Notes from Catland

I was going to title this Catman and the Infinite Sadness, but I'm sure we've used it already, in fact probably more than once. Just another day in the life really. First of all there was this:

Catman: I don't know why, but i feel like the cat is back

Which is a relatively optimistic statement for the Catman to make, except it came in the middle of a conversation about how he'd gotten new earbuds with "surprisingly decent sound." But before you get too worked up, he offered this note of caution:

Catman: haven't given them a real test yet at the gym yet, but preliminary results are very strong

Optimism is always tempered in Catland.

--

Later in the day, things got a bit more morose, as the Catman's feeble, little mind drifted to lost love. Make sure you read to the end of the conversation, there is a twist that M. Night Shyamalan couldn't write.


Catman: i don't get it tiny bear
Catman: why that girl no write me back?
Catman: :(
J: tan gwenyth?
Catman: yea
Catman: i am no good
Catman: everyone hates me
J: not  J
Catman: wrote me back the first time, pretty lengthy message, seemed enthusiastic
Catman: just not that attractive i guess
Catman: is ok
Catman: regular people
Catman: in all respects
J: just regular buds
J: in an irregular world
Catman: ha nah, i've f'ed another one
Catman: with my stupid personality
Catman: that no one could like
Catman: well i want to die
J: nah - we all like you
J: You bring a little cat-sparkle to our lives, a little cat-wonder
J: right?
Catman: will be sweet to get those wiper blades

Pessimism is rarely tempered in Catland, but when it is, it is usually through the relief of mildly useful consumer goods.

--

And to cap it all off, a bit of nonsense the whole family can enjoy.

J: d
Catman: ?
J: you ever consider weight watchers?
Catman: yea
J: really?
Catman: nah
J: oh
J: I see
J: a lark

I don't know, maybe the cat is back.

Catman 20/20 Flash

The Catman riffs on The Who:

Catman: no one knows what it's like to be the sad bear, to be the bad bear, behind cat eyes