Catman and the Impossible Dilemma

J: question
Catman: ?
J: would you rather: a) bring a lady back to your place and start to mess around with her only to realize she's a man, but continue to have sex because you're already in the mood, or 2) knowingly start to have sex with a man but get cold feet and leave
Catman: hahahah
uhh
J: would you say you've been stumped?
J: thats what lumberjacks call gay sex
getting "stumped"
Catman: ha
J: riffin here
hop in if you've got one
Catman: that's not really a hypothetical question
J: what d'you mean?
it's not like you have to do it
but if you had to choose
Catman: because the hypothetical part is saying that i'm already choosing to do something
it has to be an external factor
J: ok -- which situation would you prefer?
Catman: i wouldn't prefer either
J: which one do you dislike least?
Catman: i can't even say
J: cant or dont want to?
Catman: which one do you like
J: this isnt about me

--

Catman: have to eat my vegetables with a spoon

J: cause of your mushmouth?

Catman: only had a spoon

ate a whole bunch of veggies

Catman 20/20 Flash: Daily Recap

Over the past two days, the Catman has been trying to prove that the set of all strings of letters of infinite lengths is uncountable. Aside from being an incredibly annoying thing for me to listen to, the prospect of grad school has brought up a lot of dormant anxieties for him. This morning, he summed up his entire collegiate experience in one wonderful sentence:

Catman: i was always the guy who peeps were like "why aren't you as smart as everyone else here."

He then elaborated on some of the keys to his success as an undergrad:


Catman: can sort of fake it in college
keep quiet
hope no one notices you
"oh we all got 1600s on our SATs, what did you get?"
i've got to go take the trash out!

After which, he opened up to me about some of the goals he hopes to accomplish with a degree in computer science, and I offered a more practical perspective:

Catman: i'd like to start making websites

J: i'd like to start making winter hats for dogs

but some things just aren't going to happen

As the conversation progressed, the subject shifted from concrete plans to more abstract goals:

J: what kind of mark do you want to leave on the world?
Catman: probably a big Z or something
J: I was hoping you would say skidmark
Catman: that's not my type of comedy

--

Later in the day, we talked about "Up in the Air," a movie I'd watched the previous night, which features George Clooney smiling in various settings. I told him how it had impacted me:

J: was thinking I might start to smile more
like a bunch more
not just a regular smile though - a smile that says "you and I share a secret"
I'm going to try it now
I'll walk down to your office and greet you with a smile.

After smiling at the Catman for a good two minutes straight, he told me I was freaking him out. If you can't count on your friends for support, who can you count on?

--

Lastly, we chatted about a bud of his who'd gotten surgery for his receding gumlines, but was well on his way to recovery:

Catman: jimmy's getting his stuffing out
J: if you had said teddy ruxpin, that sentence would've been very sad

Notes from Catland

I was going to title this Catman and the Infinite Sadness, but I'm sure we've used it already, in fact probably more than once. Just another day in the life really. First of all there was this:

Catman: I don't know why, but i feel like the cat is back

Which is a relatively optimistic statement for the Catman to make, except it came in the middle of a conversation about how he'd gotten new earbuds with "surprisingly decent sound." But before you get too worked up, he offered this note of caution:

Catman: haven't given them a real test yet at the gym yet, but preliminary results are very strong

Optimism is always tempered in Catland.

--

Later in the day, things got a bit more morose, as the Catman's feeble, little mind drifted to lost love. Make sure you read to the end of the conversation, there is a twist that M. Night Shyamalan couldn't write.


Catman: i don't get it tiny bear
Catman: why that girl no write me back?
Catman: :(
J: tan gwenyth?
Catman: yea
Catman: i am no good
Catman: everyone hates me
J: not  J
Catman: wrote me back the first time, pretty lengthy message, seemed enthusiastic
Catman: just not that attractive i guess
Catman: is ok
Catman: regular people
Catman: in all respects
J: just regular buds
J: in an irregular world
Catman: ha nah, i've f'ed another one
Catman: with my stupid personality
Catman: that no one could like
Catman: well i want to die
J: nah - we all like you
J: You bring a little cat-sparkle to our lives, a little cat-wonder
J: right?
Catman: will be sweet to get those wiper blades

Pessimism is rarely tempered in Catland, but when it is, it is usually through the relief of mildly useful consumer goods.

--

And to cap it all off, a bit of nonsense the whole family can enjoy.

J: d
Catman: ?
J: you ever consider weight watchers?
Catman: yea
J: really?
Catman: nah
J: oh
J: I see
J: a lark

I don't know, maybe the cat is back.

Catman 20/20 Flash

The Catman riffs on The Who:

Catman: no one knows what it's like to be the sad bear, to be the bad bear, behind cat eyes

Job Opportunity: Catman Seeks Errand Boy

Catman: i need someone to run errands for me

Foreign Correspondent: what errands?

Catman: the things i need done

Foreign Correspondent: like what? You don't do anything

Catman: that's laughable

Foreign Correspondent: except for goto the gym and cook chicken - you want an errand boy to go to the gym for you?

Catman: learning all new gym routine, 2 classes, dating

Foreign Correspondent: and what of those things could be done by an errand boy?

Catman: i've got to take care of some catbuds

Foreign Correspondent: still not seeing how someone to run errands for you would help

Foreign Correspondent: So, for a job list for your errand boy, we currently have

1) Take care of a couple of catbuds

2).....

what other responsibilities would this person/catfan be taking over?

Catman: someone has to take notes for my memoirs

Foreign Correspondent: what else would your helper do?

Catman: eat a piece of cake

While the job offers its challenges, there are clear benefits, such as eating a piece of cake (time to be specified later). If you have the technical skills required for such an undertaking and are actually a boy, send a cover letter and resume to groodbud@gmail.com. Note: to avoid confusion, please specify the job title in the header, as the Catman is also seeking a Sex Slave.

A Ringing in the Catman's Ears

Catman: worried i might have f'ed my ears

J: ?
Catman: worried i might have tinnitus
J: eeee
Catman: crazy though, affects 1 in 5 people
Catman: i actually should probably go to the doctor
Catman: Low-pitched ringing. Conditions that can cause low-pitched ringing in one ear include Meniere's disease. Tinnitus may become very loud before a vertigo attack — a sense that you or your surroundings are spinning or moving.
J: yeah -- you've had vertigo before, right?
Catman: i guess that's what it was
J: your dizzy spells
Catman: ha
J: ?
Catman: don't be an f'ing turd
J: ?
J: thats what they are called
Catman: mocking me
Catman: is called being a turd
J: hmm - you might have turditis too
J: tell your doc to check for that
J: it's when a fleck of turd gets into your brain
J: and the blood gets turned into turd water
J: check to see if the white of your eyes have taken on a light brownish color - that's one way of testing for it
Catman: i'm going to pound you
J: i'm just curious
J: turditis can be a serious illness
J: one of its symptoms is being mean to your buds
J: have you experienced anything like that recently?
Catman: you were being rude to me
J: you were dizzy - you had dizzy spells
J: that is vertigo
J: couldn't come to work
Catman: i guess
Catman: no
Catman: that was when i was actually sick
Catman: and turned it into a  joke
Catman: because one of my symptoms was dizziness
J: it was your only symptom
Catman: no
J: I asked you if it was okay to write that an all staff e-mail saying you were too dizzy to come to work
J: and you said yea
J: you were a good cat back then
J: you weren't so ratty with others
Catman: ha - your'e always ratty with me
J: :)

Spider!

Catman: hlep

J: wont always be there to hwlp
Catman: help
J: this is a test of the J broadcasting system
Catman: help
J: you've reached the JBS
Catman: comeon
J: all our operators are busy
J: please stay on the line
J: and someone from JBS will help you when they become available
Catman: conmeon

Minutes Later

Catman: that spider may be gone, but the memory of it remains