The Cat and the Snail

It was looking like a normal day at the the law offices of Daby and Jaby:

Catman: hewwo - you have reached the law offices of daby and jaby, we can't come to to the phone right now, and we are not real lawyers

The Catman was going over his usual laundry list of mundane activities:

Catman: put my fleece in the wash

Catman: couldn't get that buffalo sauce spot out

(Note: these two are actual separate story lines. The first involves the Catman trying to get rid of a strange smell from his fleece. The second, quite obviously, involves him spilling buffalo sauce on his shirt and his failed attempt to get it out.)

But things changed when the Foreign Correspondent learned of a more pressing and disgusting concern in the Catman's life: 

Catman:   worried my stuffing is coming out

Foreign Correspondent:  i don't know what that means

Catman: was pooping blood yesterday

disconcerting, for sure

Sadly, the Foreign Correspondent did not care to investigate the story:

Foreign Correspondent:  oversharing

Catman: :  should always be an open channel of communication

Foreign Correspondent:   --

However, he did care to provide a quick zinger:

Catman:  i'm writing my will, so let me know if there is anything you would like out of my toy chest...

Foreign Correspondent:   note: you're not dying

regards, the peanut gallery

But, the Catman also began to repeat his concerns to me:

Catman: what if i'm coming apart at the seams?
and my stuffing comes out
J: hahah I'm sure it is nothing
but it gives you something to worry about, which you like.
Catman: we'll see what comes out today
J: stop.
Catman: would like you down there when it's time for the snail to pass (Note 1: The Catman also inserted the image of a snail. Note 2: To my knowledge, the word "snail" has never been used in this context)
J: come on man

Luckily, the story has a happy ending:

Catman: all clear

A Nice Bit of Chat between the Catman and the Foreign Correspondent

Catman:  i'm here to PUMP YOU UP
Foreign Correspondent:  --
Catman:  i'd like to see you put on 20 pounds of muscle in the next month - is that fair?
Foreign Correspondent:  why on earth would i want to do that?
Catman:  you're going to need it
Foreign Correspondent:  what on earth for?
Catman:  i've arranged for you to have some sparring sessions above your current weight class
Foreign Correspondent:  you're an idiot

--

Catman:  heard about your voodoo doll this weekend
Foreign Correspondent:  what's that?
Catman:  heard you made a little doll of proscuitto and cheese
Foreign Correspondent:  closing the box again. goodbye.
Catman:  that's what j said

Farewell, Iceland

Well, your beloved 1/2 cat 1/2 guy is signing off from Iceland. It's been a pretty wild week: lava caves, snorkeling in the rift between Europe and America, eating awkwardly alone, drinking awkwardly alone, and pretty much just doing everything awkwardly. I started tonight off on a brewery tour. I met some Americans, so I went out to dinner with them, because solidarity is better than not. Things are looking up: a LOT of girls in this place (cafe oliver), and I'm already buzzed from the brewery. I talk to a couple of the girls at a table next to us, who are seemingly in a bachelorette party. Nope. Some sort of princess/super hero/terrorist/80s theme night out. Anyway, this one girl seems to be digging the cat. Turns out her name is (of course) Bjork. Well, Bjork and I talk for a good while, and the cat is feeling alright about this. Well, her friends take a picture of her and the cat, and she remarks, "don't put that on facebook!" Why you ask? Oh, because she has a boyfriend, and yes, two children. Alright. Moving on.

A couple of the girls we were with leave, and it ends up being me and this dude Naveen. We end up at this one bar, but he leaves to check on his wife. So, again, just the cat. Needless to say, all girls in a different country hate cats, and all girls in the country you're from hate cats. Go figure. All in all, kick ass time in Iceland. Flight tomorrow, so the cat is signing off.

- CM

MORNING ADDENDUM:

Rough morn. As Vic would say, "ah naaaaahhhhhh" (except he does this for the first 3 minutes of any phone call you have with him). All packed, ready to make the trip. First stop: tavern. Not even gonna drop my bags off.

And This Is Just Such A Precarious Spot

Last night I had a pretty delicious din at Vegamont -- lobster pasta in a cream sauce and my usual pint of Viking. I ended up drinking some more Vikings over at Cafe Paris at the bar, trying to look as lonely as possible. That didn't work, but I did need to call an abrupt end to the night, as something with that pasta was not sitting well. Let's just say, it's a good thing my hotel was a block away. I turned in to get some rest for my big day ahead: glacier hiking and ice climbing. Woke up in the middle of the night with that lobster pasta still flopping around in my stomach and didn't get a great night's sleep after that.

Got up for my 9am pickup, stomach still not feeling great and real tired. Had another really cool guide named Ingolfur, though. There was also a guide-in-training named Fet, and two slightly older woman, an Australian named Jade and an Italian named Sara. Took about 2.5 hours to drive down to the Solheimajokull glacier (glahs-ier) in that bumpy van. We got there, harnessed up, got fitting for crampons, and got ice picks. Walking on that glacier was pretty awesome, not too cold and the weather held off for the most part. Ingolfur and Fet found us a good wall to do some ice climbing, so we learned the basics of that. Turns out ice climbing is really difficult, as evidenced by my burning hands and forearms at the end of the climb. Ended the trip with a little sandwich, juice box, and cookie for munch, which was great considering I didn't really eat much breakfast and it was now 3 oclock. On the way back, we stopped off at Skogafoss waterfall, where I took about 1,000 more pictures, including a few of some more birds.

For din tonight, went to Tapas Barinn. Another awkward night of eating alone at the "bar." Most bars here aren't really bars, they are just randomly placed stools at the area of the counter where the waiters put stuff. The food was really good, and I accomplished my mission of eating puffin and minke whale, but I still contend that tapas is a ripoff in a major way.

- CM

"Out" and About in Iceland

J:  where you headed tonight for din?
Catman:  tapas place
icelandic tapas
so i can get puffin and minke whale
sample some things
 J:  topless, you say?
Catman:  yea
J:  men and women?
Catman:  nah - just men
J:  d - question
Catman:  ?
 J:  would you rather see a topless man or a bottomless woman?
Catman:  hahaha
who's the man?
tom jane circa filming of the punisher, then def
guy was ripped

J: that was a gay test
invented by a very famous psychologist
Catman: k

"We've Never Found Anything Living In Here, Not Even a Spider" = The Perfect Cave

Awesome day down in the lava tube and snorkeling. Got picked up at 9am by Greman (or something like that) and boarded the van. Greman turned out to be pretty great: big mustache which he called his love brush, swore a lot, had a lot of opinions about the Icelandic government. There was also a cute Icelandic girl named Thora who was doing some sort of field work for school (also, something like that). The only other guest on the tour was an older woman from Chicago. We drove out to this lava tube outside of Reykjavik, which was just a narrow entranceway in the ground. Needless to say, there were a lot of Bear quotes running through my head ("and these rocks are just so slippy," etc.). The lava cave was pretty awesome, and at the end you felt like "yea I just crawled 65 meters underground through a mother fucking lava cave."

After the cave, we got some Icelandic meat soup at the gas station (I guess that means the meat was people meat). We continued on to our next destination: snorkeling in the Silfras Fissure. The Silfras is located between the Eurasian and American tectonic plates. Got into our dry suits and took off down this little river. I had rented an underwater camera from the tour company, but that thing ran out of batteries about three photos in. At various points swimming in the 35 degree water, I thought my mouth was going to freeze off (it didn't), but all in all, it actually didn't feel that cold. Ended the day by jumping off this little rock, which was actually deceptively high. Griman took a video of me jumping in, in which he narrated. It's pretty great.

For din I went over to Icelandic Fish and Chips, a nice little establishment down by the water. I'm always very confused in these places as to how to order and what to do. Whenever I walk in a place, it always feels like that scene from the Lonely Guy (a Steve Martin movie), where he asks for a table for one, the restaurant goes silent, and the spotlight shines on him. This fish and chips was a more upscale take on the matter, but it worked, there was a lot of food, and it was relatively cheap. Headed over to Kofi Tomasar Fraenda for a couple beers after that. This place is pretty cool... just below street level, more laid back. Not much going on on a Tuesday night, so the cat is signing off early to get up for the breakfast buffet.

- CM

I Found It: Bird Lane!

Not too much to report from Iceland today. Finally managed to fall asleep around 4 or 5 am, slept until 11:30. Went peeping around town, and finally managed to cram some food down my gullet after only eating a Clif Bar on Sunday. After muttering "and this bit here is just packed with vitamins and minerals and loaded with calories," I took off to explore some more of Reykjavik. Cat's conclusion: there's not a ton in Reykjavik to take pictures of. I did stumble upon this little area teeming with birdlife. Pigeons, ducks, swans, it pretty much had them all.

For din tonight, I did my homework and set off to find this bar called Boston (naturally). I go up the stairs and hear this ominous dog bark. Mangy little black and white dog runs up to me, so that was nice. Played with the dog for a bit while I sat awkwardly trying to figure out what this place's deal was. Then the dog jumped up on this cute Icelandic hipster girl sitting at the bar. As it turned out, this bar no longer had food, so we all had a good laugh at that. Managed to find a little cafe where I could get some plokkfiskur (traditional fish stew), which turned out to be actually pretty delicious. Cute blonde girl working there, but I guess that's the norm for Iceland. That's it for today. Big day tomorrow: lava cave exploring and snorkeling in 35 degree water, so stay tuned...

- CM

Cat's Night Out

I woke up this morning and stumbled around the room to find my watch (because there's no clock in this hotel room). 4:30, way too early to get up. But why is it light out? Ohhh. Yep, slept until 4:30 in the afternoon -- to be fair I only slept for about 3 hours in a 44 hour period before that and drank about a million beers last night.

I started the night out with a din, trying to look in windows and find a good spot. Ended up paying about $20 for a shitty cheeseburger, fries, and a Viking beer. Beer here doesn't seem too great, just a lot of bland blonde ales.

After din, I wandered around a bit more, trying to find a place to sit and take the edge off. I had a beer at a couple different places, but there didn't seem to be too many people around. I finally found a place called the English Pub with a sizable crowd and a guy playing acoustic guitar (can't get away from hearing Don't Stop Believing). They had a big wheel you could spin for 1,500kr, and you could win between 0 and 8 beers (beers cost about 750-800kr). Talked to a crazy drunk Icelandic dude, and a dude from Norway. Catman's Law: Anywhere in the world you are, this phrase remains true: "Lot of dudes in here." Left that place for Dillon Rock Bar where there was a band setting up. I'm sitting there, thinking these guys are going to be some sort of Icelandic basement rock band. Nope, just these funky little instrumentals that sounded like the band presets on a 1980s Casio keyboard. Good time.

Those guys finished up, and I took off trying to follow the stream of cars all going in one direction. Popped into another place and set up camp at the bar. People in Reykjavik really don't go out until midnight, but places started to get pretty crowded pretty fast. At some point I started talking to a couple Icelandic dudes (yea more dudes). One of the dudes was named Greemer, I think. Greemer seemed like a pretty cool dude, I think he was a couple years younger. Anyway, left for another bar with Greemer, and we somehow started talking to a couple Icelandic girls, who Greemer said were the Icelandic equivalent of Jersey Shore trash. But one of them was hot, so naturally we followed them to yet another bar (Icelandic people like to bar hop). Sitting at a table, I notice this really hot girl who is in line keeps looking at me. So I'm thinking things are looking up. Cut to a few minutes later, she comes over, tells me she's looking for Icelandic men, and that I'm handsome but too short. Thanks. I KNOW THAT.

Ended the night with Greemer buying me a cheeseburger from this little stand. I got back to the hotel and shoved it into the mini bar fridge, but I don't even think this fridge is on. All in all, good little Saturday eve in Reykjavik. Also, the hot water here smells like rotten eggs.

- CM

WWHD?

That's what I'll be asking myself during the course of this trip: What Would Henry (m'fin' Rollins) do? Let me preface your first live blog from Reykjavik by saying I've been up for over 24 hours now and just had a latte at a cafe. I'M SO EXCITED I'M SO EXCITED I'M SO SCARED

Sitting in my aisle seat next to a kindly older woman, things were looking up for your beloved cat. Of course a few minutes prior to boarding, a woman shows up with her 1 1/2 year old to round out the row. Thankfully, I got saved by the nice IcelandAir crew who moved me to a window seat further back, presumably because they could sense my fear of that baby. At some point into the flight, I noticed a small red blurry spot out the window. As we flew north, it ended up being the moon, which grew to about a half moon during the flight... pretty awesome if you like that sort of thing. Towards the last hour or two, the sun started coming up over the horizon. Pretty great dawn view of the mountains in the distance, and the cloud cover looked like ice. Very nice scene until we hit 2,500 ft. and zero visibility. Yep, cold and misting, which is weird weather for a cat to be in.

Got to the hotel around 8 but couldn't check in yet. So I ended up walking down lasngruuvaturnuraji (sp?) street. Along the way I saw a pretty hot blonde girl in the passenger seat of a car going by. I ran after it, but it was going too fast. While I was drinking my latte, I swear I saw Macgruber walk by. It's a pretty fun game to guess where everyone is from. Soul patch? Frilly scarf/sweater combo? Acting like a douche? France. Trucker hat? North Face gear? Pal'ing around with your bro? USA. A little bit rolly-polly and laugh like an elf? Denmark. Maybe it's because I watched Inception on the plane, but it feels like everyone is looking at me, trying to identify the outsider.

I'm gonna get some sleep, recharge my batteries. Thinking about heading over to Sjavarkjallarinn for dinner and maybe a nice little night over at Nylenduvoruverslun Hemma & Valda. You know, all the usual places.

- CM

See You On The Other Side, J

Well, Catfans, my departure for Reykjavik is nigh upon us. Pleepleus is packed snuggly into my carry-on luggage for safe keeping, and I have my travel condom securely in place. The contents of my suitcase are: winter boots, socks, underwear. When I get there, I'm going to eat a hot dog. Ok... time's ticking down, and I need to go do some squats to loosen my jeans up. Remember to check in mid-afternoons next week for live blogs from ICELAND. I'll probably put up some pictures of the hot dog.

- CM

Catman's Big Adventure

After weeks of planning and preparing, the Catman leaves tomorrow for Riceland in Stuttgart, Arkansas. No doubt an unusual choice to many, the Catman has always been fascinated by the bulk rice processing industry -- wait a second, there's been a misunderstanding...

Iceland. That makes a bit more sense. The Catman sets sail (not literally) tomorrow for Iceland, where he'll spend a week swimming in lava flows, climbing glaciers, sledding with dogs, and desperately trying to stick his peep into something blonde, as he slowly comes to learn the meaning of the word "nei." His only companion on this journey? A stuffed monkey named Jableus, and you, Catman Nation. That's right, the Catman will be live-blogging the entire adventure (expect new posts mid-afternoon), and will field responses to e-mails you send. So ready those electronic quills.

A doodle

The Catman and I just had to sit through an hour-long meeting, during which I made this little drawing. That's me holding him as he sleeps. Be very quiet - he wakes easily!

The Cat's Meow... or Tweet

That's right. In addition to our new fancy(feast) look, you can now follow the ups and downs of the Catman on Twitter. (Just kidding. There are no ups.)

From the Desk of the Foreign Correspondent

Yesterday afternoon, I had to close out of all running programs for IT to remotely install a program onto my computer. This meant no conversing with the Catman for a period of 20 to 30 minutes. The Foreign Correspondent caught the fallout. (It helps to imagine the Catman as a news anchor* while you read it).

Catman: j has disappeared

Foreign Correspondent: maybe in the sun room taking a nap?

Catman: maybe

Foreign Correspondent: you panicking?

Catman: pancaking

he's just being a bone

Foreign Correspondent: why now?

Catman: might actually do a second cup of tea

need something this afternoon

to keep me going

Foreign Correspondent: that's nice

Catman: eh blow it out your ear

Foreign Correspondent:

you call j a bone

then start talking about how you're having a 2nd cup of tea

how is that interesting to anyone?

Catman: gimme mines

Foreign Correspondent: now you're just muttering

Catman: underwear's riding up

never get short cut

Foreign Correspondent: now you're really being dumb

Catman: bad bear

*A news anchor at the very worst news agency in the world.

--

Op-ed: The Relevance and Significance of the Catman in the 21st Century

This kind of exchange is what we've come to expect here at YDG, and probably doesn't surprise many of our readers. It's the same old equation: one part idiocy and one part frustration lead to a half part of comedy.

Some people may not know, but the Catman and I traveled to NYC this weekend. On Saturday night, he, alongside the Foreign Correspondent, regaled a small, but dedicated, group of YDG readers with tales of their travels. So the question is: With a shtick this old -- what is it that people like about the Catman? What brings them back for more of this cat-style of humor?

Could it be some fundamental flaw shared by all of them? While possible, it also seems unlikely. Could it be that the Catman expresses something they cannot, themselves, articulate? No. Definitely not.

I asked the Catman yesterday what he thought the Catman stood for, and he said "a guy who is like a cat but is also like a guy." The Catman has a very literal mind, and unfortunately, it doesn't receive much blood flow.

Then the answer arrived. The Foreign Correspondent informed me that one of the members of Saturday night's viewing audience told him that the Catman had been trying to get "back to basics" since High School, maybe even longer. To an audience spread across the world (we've got readers in 15 states and 17 countries), the quixotic and trivial pursuits of the Catman represents that one unchanging constant in their lives. To the solider in Afghanistan who sleeps restlessly under the fire of mortar rounds, and the Columbia grad student who finds his mechanical pencil has just run out of lead, the Catman is the one thing they can both agree to call home.

The Pork Report

A few months ago, the Foreign Correspondent told the Catman that he'd eaten a candy bar that day. Although it was only bite-size and didn't seem like much of an admission, it was a mistake. Since then the Catman has become enthralled with the idea that the Foreign Correspondent has already gained a lot of weight or is currently in the process of gaining weight:

Catman: it would be funny if he started getting pretty pudgy

This idea was on the Catman's feeble mind again today, and after lunch he told me that:

Catman: i'd like to get a look at his pork report
i have a feeling he's been a naughty bear

For those of you wondering what a "pork report" is, it's a list of all the things someone has eaten in some period of time. The term pork presumably stems from the Catman's 2010 motto/new years resolution "work out not pork out." His other goal was "smooth butter and smooth shirts" because he'd received two presents for Christmas that year: a butter bell and a steamer to iron his clothes. In any case, the Catman went straight to the Foreign Correspondent for answers:

Catman:   i'm just saying
if you've got nothing to hide, let's get a look at the report
10:12am Snickers Bar
10:27am Milky Way Bar
11:03am Butterfinger Bar
looks like these were all king size too


The Foreign Correspondent was not a fan of this line of questioning and so did not answer. This didn't stop the Catman from continuing to talk about it though.


Catman: we should run a few muffintop tests on him
J: hahahaha
what does that mean?
Catman: get him in some tight fitting jeans, see how much he is muffin topping them
hahahhaha
loving this


On a side note, this is YDG's 100th post. Although sometimes it is rewarding, most of the time it's been a pain in the peep. In any case, the Catman and I will be at the pet supply store today between 5 and 7 tripping off some catnip. Feel free to swing by for a sniff.

Catman and the Impossible Dilemma

J: question
Catman: ?
J: would you rather: a) bring a lady back to your place and start to mess around with her only to realize she's a man, but continue to have sex because you're already in the mood, or 2) knowingly start to have sex with a man but get cold feet and leave
Catman: hahahah
uhh
J: would you say you've been stumped?
J: thats what lumberjacks call gay sex
getting "stumped"
Catman: ha
J: riffin here
hop in if you've got one
Catman: that's not really a hypothetical question
J: what d'you mean?
it's not like you have to do it
but if you had to choose
Catman: because the hypothetical part is saying that i'm already choosing to do something
it has to be an external factor
J: ok -- which situation would you prefer?
Catman: i wouldn't prefer either
J: which one do you dislike least?
Catman: i can't even say
J: cant or dont want to?
Catman: which one do you like
J: this isnt about me

--

Catman: have to eat my vegetables with a spoon

J: cause of your mushmouth?

Catman: only had a spoon

ate a whole bunch of veggies

Catman 20/20 Flash: Daily Recap

Over the past two days, the Catman has been trying to prove that the set of all strings of letters of infinite lengths is uncountable. Aside from being an incredibly annoying thing for me to listen to, the prospect of grad school has brought up a lot of dormant anxieties for him. This morning, he summed up his entire collegiate experience in one wonderful sentence:

Catman: i was always the guy who peeps were like "why aren't you as smart as everyone else here."

He then elaborated on some of the keys to his success as an undergrad:


Catman: can sort of fake it in college
keep quiet
hope no one notices you
"oh we all got 1600s on our SATs, what did you get?"
i've got to go take the trash out!

After which, he opened up to me about some of the goals he hopes to accomplish with a degree in computer science, and I offered a more practical perspective:

Catman: i'd like to start making websites

J: i'd like to start making winter hats for dogs

but some things just aren't going to happen

As the conversation progressed, the subject shifted from concrete plans to more abstract goals:

J: what kind of mark do you want to leave on the world?
Catman: probably a big Z or something
J: I was hoping you would say skidmark
Catman: that's not my type of comedy

--

Later in the day, we talked about "Up in the Air," a movie I'd watched the previous night, which features George Clooney smiling in various settings. I told him how it had impacted me:

J: was thinking I might start to smile more
like a bunch more
not just a regular smile though - a smile that says "you and I share a secret"
I'm going to try it now
I'll walk down to your office and greet you with a smile.

After smiling at the Catman for a good two minutes straight, he told me I was freaking him out. If you can't count on your friends for support, who can you count on?

--

Lastly, we chatted about a bud of his who'd gotten surgery for his receding gumlines, but was well on his way to recovery:

Catman: jimmy's getting his stuffing out
J: if you had said teddy ruxpin, that sentence would've been very sad

Notes from Catland

I was going to title this Catman and the Infinite Sadness, but I'm sure we've used it already, in fact probably more than once. Just another day in the life really. First of all there was this:

Catman: I don't know why, but i feel like the cat is back

Which is a relatively optimistic statement for the Catman to make, except it came in the middle of a conversation about how he'd gotten new earbuds with "surprisingly decent sound." But before you get too worked up, he offered this note of caution:

Catman: haven't given them a real test yet at the gym yet, but preliminary results are very strong

Optimism is always tempered in Catland.

--

Later in the day, things got a bit more morose, as the Catman's feeble, little mind drifted to lost love. Make sure you read to the end of the conversation, there is a twist that M. Night Shyamalan couldn't write.


Catman: i don't get it tiny bear
Catman: why that girl no write me back?
Catman: :(
J: tan gwenyth?
Catman: yea
Catman: i am no good
Catman: everyone hates me
J: not  J
Catman: wrote me back the first time, pretty lengthy message, seemed enthusiastic
Catman: just not that attractive i guess
Catman: is ok
Catman: regular people
Catman: in all respects
J: just regular buds
J: in an irregular world
Catman: ha nah, i've f'ed another one
Catman: with my stupid personality
Catman: that no one could like
Catman: well i want to die
J: nah - we all like you
J: You bring a little cat-sparkle to our lives, a little cat-wonder
J: right?
Catman: will be sweet to get those wiper blades

Pessimism is rarely tempered in Catland, but when it is, it is usually through the relief of mildly useful consumer goods.

--

And to cap it all off, a bit of nonsense the whole family can enjoy.

J: d
Catman: ?
J: you ever consider weight watchers?
Catman: yea
J: really?
Catman: nah
J: oh
J: I see
J: a lark

I don't know, maybe the cat is back.

Catman 20/20 Flash

The Catman riffs on The Who:

Catman: no one knows what it's like to be the sad bear, to be the bad bear, behind cat eyes

Job Opportunity: Catman Seeks Errand Boy

Catman: i need someone to run errands for me

Foreign Correspondent: what errands?

Catman: the things i need done

Foreign Correspondent: like what? You don't do anything

Catman: that's laughable

Foreign Correspondent: except for goto the gym and cook chicken - you want an errand boy to go to the gym for you?

Catman: learning all new gym routine, 2 classes, dating

Foreign Correspondent: and what of those things could be done by an errand boy?

Catman: i've got to take care of some catbuds

Foreign Correspondent: still not seeing how someone to run errands for you would help

Foreign Correspondent: So, for a job list for your errand boy, we currently have

1) Take care of a couple of catbuds

2).....

what other responsibilities would this person/catfan be taking over?

Catman: someone has to take notes for my memoirs

Foreign Correspondent: what else would your helper do?

Catman: eat a piece of cake

While the job offers its challenges, there are clear benefits, such as eating a piece of cake (time to be specified later). If you have the technical skills required for such an undertaking and are actually a boy, send a cover letter and resume to groodbud@gmail.com. Note: to avoid confusion, please specify the job title in the header, as the Catman is also seeking a Sex Slave.